Ask Dr. Mike: Back to School and Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the concept of being present 100 percent in the moment while accepting all aspects of what that moment is or what it brings. With open houses, shopping for supplies and getting back into a schedule and routine, returning to school can be chaotic. Emotionally, the return to school can also come with a host of positive and negative emotions for our children and teens. Then there is the school year itself and all of the challenges posed to your child or teen and you as parent. Practicing mindfulness as parents as we gear up for the coming academic year can serve to restore calm in your home and personal success for your child or teen. 

As a psychologist who has spent the last few weeks assisting parents and kids with the back to school transition, I’ve put together a list of DO’s and DONT’s in preparation for the coming year. 

DO:

• Prepare a back-to-school supply checklist and buy fun stuff. Whether your child is 7 or 17, he or she should be actively involved in the back-to-school planning.  Shopping for school supplies should be fun and not a chore so put some effort into your child or teen’s purchases to make the experience more positive. Stores offer limited options, so perhaps you and your child or teen could explore materials on-line. Getting your child excited for and thinking about his coming school year before he hits the campus is the goal. Back-to-school shopping is also an excellent time to speak to your child positively about the coming year.
• Set reasonable expectations in advance of the school year. Of course we should always expect the best academically from our children and teens but is important to be realistic. For instance, expecting all “A’s” from your child or teen is not advised. Rather, encourage and support your child or teen to do the best that he or she can do but without the any added pressure. Even very bright kids struggle academically from time to time, so prepare yourself in advance to be positive and proactive should problems arise.
• Incentivize your child’s academic success. It’s human nature to want to be rewarded for a job well done. The internal reward of feeling good about grades or academic performance is important and it will become more important as your child or teen matures. But keep in mind that children and teens respond well to external rewards. I recommend setting up a reward system where your child or teen can receive reasonable but attractive short-term rewards (e.g., weekend rewards) for a great academic week. Children or teens who are more self-motivated will not need a reward system to do well.
• Remain positive…even when you are disappointed or upset. Your child should know that you are always there for them. Reacting negatively to a low grade or a poor academic performance will likely only make things worse for all involved. Instead, identify problems early and work with your child or teen toward a solution. Disorganization, the homework routine, forgetfulness, focus, the morning routine, bedtime, gaming (and other distractions) and follow-through are common problems that can contribute to academic struggles. Be proactive and positive to remedy problems as soon as you become aware of them.
• Use technology to your advantage. We all know that children and teens rely on and enjoy screens, so I recommend that you use them to promote your child or teen’s academic success. There are so many wonderfully impressive apps and products today that can give your child or teen an academic edge including, scheduling, planning and researching apps. 
• Create balance. Research studies have shown that students with multiple activities and well-rounded schedules do better academically than students that are less involved. While studying is important, so, too, is your child or teen’s involvement in social, athletic and other intellectual pursuits.
• Consequence when needed. When your child or teen is purposely not applying himself, consequences can be an effective way to turn things around. Whether it’s the car keys, the gaming system, the computer or simply playing outside, your child or teen will not want to lose his or her privileges. Be mindful of your emotions and behaviors while instituting consequences, and remain positive. Following a consequence, calmly discuss the issue and your expectations, give your child or teen a chance to then improve upon his or her errors and reintroduce the privilege once the issue is resolved.
• Utilize your resources. If your child or teen continues to struggle after you’ve tried everything, consider getting some outside help. As a psychologist, I provided consultation for a very smart child last year whose parents and teachers described as being “lazy” and “depressed.” Historically, the boy had always received high academic marks, but more recently, he was failing a few of his courses. I recommended a neuropsychological evaluation, and after the boy was assessed, he was diagnosed with Orthographic Dyslexia, which was negatively impacting his ability to learn and adequately get his work done. Because he was a very smart child he was able to compensate throughout much of his schooling, but the material had become too hard for him as a preteen, and he was no longer able to push through his learning disability. That child did very well again academically once the school provided him with academic accommodations and supports. ADHD, learning problems, behavior and/or emotional struggles, are things you DO want to address ASAP. There is also no shame in turning to a private tutor should you discover that your child or teen struggling in a certain subject area.
• Schedule review time with your child or teen. This is Northern Virginia and I know that time is a pricey commodity in our area. However, I think it’s important to check in with your child or teen periodically to understand how they are doing academically. Your check-in should be brief and positive. For younger children, I recommend weekly check-in’s, and for older children and teens, twice monthly or monthly ones. Praise the good in your child or teen’s work, and positively address any problems that you might discover during the check-in.

DON’T:

• Promote unhealthy competition. Comparing your child or teen to his or her sibling or a friend or neighbor to motivate academically could lead to negative feelings and problems. Instead, motivate your child or teen based on their abilities. Foster a strong work ethic in getting your child or teen to do his or her personal best.  
• Anticipate problems. Negatively reminding your child or teen of their problems from last year is a poor way to start out the school year. Last year was last year, and your child or teen need to see that you believe in them to do well this year.
• Wait too long to address a problem. Don’t wait until the second or third quarter to address a problem that you identified as a parent during the first quarter. The longer you wait, the harder the problem may be to correct. Whether the problem is related to academic content, organization, turning things in, etc., you may want to also involve your child’s or teen’s teachers to increase action and accountability. If your child or teen is not accessing the curriculum or is struggling beyond what you feel is normal, the school should be contacted immediately. Involved school personnel may wish to take a closer look at your child or teen, or even assess your child or teen, to determine if there is a learning problem that needs to be dealt with more formally at school.
• Nag your child or teen. You shouldn’t have to nag your child or teen or repeat yourself if you have agreed upon expectations at the start of the school year. If there is a problem, calmly reiterate your concerns and positively and proactively problem solve with your child or teen. 
• React. Reacting, arguing or fighting with your child or teen about his or her academics is a poor way to get your point across of to bring about change. Instead, always remain calm (even when consequencing), communicate your concerns clearly and offer supportive steps to correct the problem at hand.

You don’t need to be a Buddhist or a psychologist to practice mindfulness in parenting toward a successful school year for your child or teen. But with just a few small changes and some discipline to bring mindful awareness to your moment-to-moment experiences with your child, I am hopeful that you will correct problems sooner and more calmly when they arise.