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Health & Fitness

Friendly Divorce - Not Always an Oxymoron

How does one get divorced? I mean, being a divorce attorney I understand the procedures required to obtain a divorce in Virginia. But how does a person go about getting divorced? What do you do? How do you make that first leap into deciding that this is it, and this marriage is over? Can it be done civilly? And what about the kids? As soon as divorce is a serious consideration, these questions are a few of the many that will enter your mind. I’m sure everyone has heard of, or known someone, who has gone through a bitter divorce. The horror stories are endless, and most often the result is the same… it wasn’t worth it.

When a marriage comes to an end, relationships are necessarily changed forever. That doesn’t mean, however, that those relationships have to be broken. Especially when children are involved. Uncontested Divorces do exist, where the parties can agree on support, property division, and custody matters. Although more often than not, a divorce is the result of at least one side being hurt, which unfortunately can result in bitter and long battles over anything and everything.

But there are other options. A Collaborative Divorce is a relatively new method that takes any sort of litigation off of the table. Basically, each side signs an agreement that states neither side will take the matter to court while negotiations for a resolution are ongoing. The attorneys representing each side also cannot represent the client in any litigation related to the divorce. This method essentially creates an even playing field for both sides. A Negotiated Divorce is quite similar to a Collaborative divorce, except that although a settlement is the ultimate goal, should negotiations end with no resolution, the attorney you have been working with can represent you throughout the duration of your divorce.

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While not every divorce is a candidate for negotiation and collaboration, in many cases it is possible to end the marriage with communication and accord in order to preserve the interpersonal connections that gave rise to the marriage in the first place.

This notion is all the more important when children are involved. It goes without saying that a divorce can have deep, lasting consequences for children. While it is important for the parties to remember that they are adults, and that their actions may forever affect the way their children view marriage, love, and compromise…it’s not always easy for adults to know how to act when our own feelings have been hurt.

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Attorneys and mediators have touted the benefits of a negotiated or collaborative divorce for years.  Many times the parties in a divorce are able to recognize the benefits and proceed amicably from the outset. Frequently, however, emotional turmoil created during the marriage blinds the parties to the best interest of themselves and their minor children and remains as an obstacle to a quick and efficient resolution to the divorce.

While it may not seem possible in every case, even parties who appear to be too far separate in their negotiation positions can be brought together to discuss the underlying issues of their divorce. Often, those are the parties that, once they realize the real consequences of their actions, can reach the most advantageous agreements regarding custody, support, and visitation between the parties.

The first step is taking a step back to think about how the parties actually got to where they are. Regularly client come into my office, sit down in at the conference table, and start talking about how they want to destroy the other party. It doesn’t take long, however, before they begin to realize that all they are doing is destroying. They are destroying a relationship that, at some point, theoretically, was a positive thing. They are destroying their children’s hopes of ever having two parents that can get along, even if they don’t live together. They are destroying their bank accounts, their sanity…pretty much anything they can get their hands on is fair game for demolition.

It doesn’t have to be that way. More often than not people see the light themselves when we begin to discuss what a real, knock-down-drag-out kind of divorce costs. Often there aren’t enough assets in the marriage to reasonably support that kind of divorce. Even more often, people start to realize…IT ISN’T WORTH IT. The goal should be to minimize the issues and streamline your life as much as possible; not to get bogged down in months or even years of discovery, negotiation and litigation.

Sometimes there’s nothing that can be done. The parties can’t agree, and the bottom line is that a judge is going to have to decide how things play out. But I always sit down with a client during that initial intake and ask them, “Have you done everything you can? Have you turned over every stone? Are you sure that this marriage is over?”  Often the answer is YES!!! So the next question becomes, “What is it that you really want out of this, and do you think we can work with your spouse to make it happen without hurting the kids?”

Don’t walk into an attorney’s office expecting to find a mercenary who’s been sitting behind his desk sharpening pens to use in depositions. It isn’t wise to go in expecting to take your spouse for everything they’re worth, or with the goal of simply making their life miserable. Divorce is about moving on, and if you’re still invested in making that other person miserable, then you aren’t really ready to move on.

When you are ready, go to your initial consultation with an open mind. Forget about making the other person miserable, and think more about making yourself happy. If you’re happy, chances are you’ll be a lot better at setting a positive example for your children, and they will benefit from having at least one parent that can address their physical and emotional needs without being blinded by their own.

Think about communication, think about negotiation, and think about working together with your spouse to create a new chapter in both of your lives, instead of simply burning the book. Saving money, time, stress and even your sanity is only part of what you gain from compromise as opposed to litigation. You may realize that you’ve accidentally set a positive example for your kids, and you may be surprised when they thank you for it one day.

 

Legal Disclaimer: This blog is designed for general information only. The information you obtain at this blog is not, nor is it intended to be, legal advice. You should consult an attorney for advice regarding your individual situation. We invite you to contact our office and welcome your calls, letters and electronic mail. Contacting the firm alone does not create an attorney-client relationship.

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